he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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