After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
how drunk are you?
Several
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize