PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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