i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
