wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
