I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
