Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
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I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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