My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I pour the whiskey from now on
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
