Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
