So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
