When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
