Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
