tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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