i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
