Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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