Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
