By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
