Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
FUCK WHALES
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