you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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