I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
