I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
