I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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