the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
