I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
