if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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