No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
