I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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