you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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