im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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