My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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