just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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