I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
