if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
