woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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