The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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