It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
