Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize