Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
