I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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