I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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