bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
