wanna go halves on a baby?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
