I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
