My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
