just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
