Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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