Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
