He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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