someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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