You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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