Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
