what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
